How Can We Be Close and Autonomous?

Explore the Patterns of Intimacy and Care in Your Relationship
  • Do you long for the closeness you used to have?
  • Is one of you dependent and the other distant?
  • Can you be self-sufficient and still be close?
  • Do you give up your autonomy in the relationship?
  • Do you care for your partner so much that you ignore your  needs?
Learn about the patterns of intimacy, caring, dependence, and autonomy in your relationship.

All relationships must struggle with these if they want a juicy connection.
Take this quiz to learn about your patterns 
and what to do about the ones that aren’t working. 

Have your partner do the same.
Some of the questions refer to your "partner." If you aren't in a love relationship, answer these questions in terms of how you have been in past relationships. If you have changed since the last time you were in a love relationship, answer based on how you think you would be now. If you've never been in a love relationship, answer in terms of the person you are closest to.
 
  • Most people take between 4 and 8 minutes to complete the quiz.
  • Answer these questions to the best of your ability, without giving them a great deal of thought.
  • Write down your first reaction.
  • You must answer all the questions.
I'm sexually and physically affectionate with my partner.




I get involved with other activities instead of being with my partner.




I trust that my partner can basically take care of him or herself, though my support can be helpful.




I am self-centered.




I can be grounded and centered even when my partner is distant or away.




I get depressed when my partner is away for very long.




I think that if my partner isn't like me, it's because he or she is unhealthy or ignorant.




I share what is important to me with my partner.




It's hard for me to say "No" when my partner asks for something, even when I need to.




I must have affection from my partner in order to feel okay about myself.




I feel comfortable with myself when I’m alone.




I believe my partner loves me even if I'm not anticipating their needs and taking care of them.




I go out of my way not to do or say anything that could possibly hurt my partner or make him or her feel bad.




I want to share activities with my partner.




I get bored easily when my partner is talking.




I don't express affection and love to my partner verbally.




I feel like I couldn’t make it on my own.




I take care of my health, well-being, and the daily tasks of life without needing help.




I can assert myself with my partner to get my needs met.




I try to keep peace between others so no one is upset.




I believe my partner is thinking and feeling the same things I am.




I become demanding about getting my needs met.




I show interest and listen when my partner wants to share what is important to him or her.




I can be happy without being in a romantic relationship.




I take on my partner's pain and burdens to help them and to be closer to them.




My needs are just as important as my partner's.




I feel passion and love for my partner.




I am uncomfortable being sexual or affectionate with my partner.




I have a strong need for praise and admiration from my partner.




I nurture and soothe myself when I need to.




I care for my partner at my own expense.




I take care of my own basic needs before I focus on helping my partner.




I feel anxious when my partner withdraws from me.




I feel closed off emotionally to my partner.




I am honest with my partner.




I feel caring and compassionate for myself when I’m in pain.




I take time to get in touch what I feel and want.




I find myself thinking about other people I'm sexually attracted to, even while I'm in a relationship.




I tell my partner how much I love and care for him or her.




I feel distant from my partner.




I don't pay attention to how my behavior impacts my partner.




   ...so you can review your results or change an answer later.