Hard/Soft Patterns and Self-Supporting/Relational Capacities

These concepts are used in the Interpersonal Dimensions Group chart.

Hard and Soft Patterns

The patterns on the right side of the chart tend to be more active or aggressive. When you have one of those patterns, your behavior tends to cause other people pain more than yourself. For example, in the Power Dimension, the hard patterns are Controlling and Defiant. They both involve aggressive behavior and tend to cause other people pain or difficulty. As a result, the right side patterns are called hard patterns.

Of course, they cause pain for the person with the pattern, too, but it usually isn’t so obvious to the person unless they explore themselves. For example, if you have a Controlling Pattern, people are likely to avoid being close to you or working with you, or they may give you a hard time. However, you may not notice this unless you really can get honest feedback from people around you.

The left side patterns tend to be more receptive or passive. Therefore I call those left side patterns soft patterns. When you have one of those patterns, your behavior tends to cause obvious pain and difficulties for you.

For example, in the Power Dimension, a soft pattern is People Pleasing. This pattern tends to cause more obvious pain for the person with the pattern since they act in such a way that their needs don’t get met and their feelings and opinions don’t get expressed. 

People with soft patterns are much more likely to seek help in changing them than people with hard patterns. It is also more socially acceptable to have a soft pattern than a hard one. Many people will acknowledge that they have a People-Pleasing Pattern, but few want to admit that they are Controlling. In fact, people who close to with someone with a hard pattern often try to understand the pattern more than the person who has it.

So if you have a hard pattern, see if you can set aside the social stigma that you might associate with it, and allow yourself to recognize your pattern. This would mean allowing yourself to realize that you might be Controlling or Judgmental, Distancing, Self-Absorbed, or Angry, for example. When you explore your pattern, you will probably see how it actually causes problems for you as well as for others. There is no reason to feel bad about having a hard pattern. It just means that your way of defending yourself has gone in that direction.

Self-Supporting and Relational Capacities

We can also classify the healthy capacities on each side of the chart. The capacities on the right side help you to support yourself, in the sense of helping you to feel good about yourself and take care of your needs. So these are called Self-Supporting Capacities. For example, Challenge, Assertiveness, and Strength are all ways of taking care of your needs and desires, while Social Confidence means feeling good about yourself socially.

Each Self-Supporting Capacity is the healthy versions of the hard pattern next to it in the dimension. Instead of being aggressive and hurting others, you are active and take care of yourself. For example, Assertiveness is the healthy version of Controlling.

The capacities on the left side involve enhancing your relationships in a way that takes care of other people as well as yourself. So these are called Relational Capacities. For example, Good Communication, Cooperation, Caring, and Intimacy are all ways of tending to your connections with others.

Each Relational Capacity is the healthy version of the soft pattern next to it in the dimension. Instead of being passive in a way that causes problems for you, you relate to others in a healthy way that helps them and enhances your connection with them. For example, Cooperation is the healthy version of People Pleasing.

If you have a hard pattern, you need to develop the relational capacity across from it on the chart in order to transform that pattern. For example, if you have a Controlling Pattern, you need to develop Cooperation. And if you have a soft pattern, you need to develop the self-supporting capacity across from it. For example, if you have a People Pleasing Pattern you need to develop Assertiveness.

A few of the relational capacities, such as the Centered and Surrender Capacities, don’t directly involve your relationship with another person. However, they do involve being more open, available, and non-aggressive in a way that enhances your connections with others.