The Conflict-Avoiding Pattern

  • Are you afraid of conflict?
  • Do you avoid bringing up things that are bothering you?
  • Do you get frozen and dumb when someone challenges you?
  • Do you give in to keep the peace?
  • Do you feel like your needs never get any attention?
This is the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern. Click here for more information.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. It isn't beneficial to totally avoid conflict; you need to learn how to bring up and resolve disagreements in a healthy way. If you have a Conflict-Avoiding Pattern, you tend to regularly sidestep dealing with normal conflict and confrontation.

When something is bothering you in your interactions with a person, if you have a Conflict-Avoiding Pattern, you’ll try to ignore it, or keep it to yourself out of worry about what might happen if you mention it. This will lead to problems in the long run. 

Here are some other common ways of avoiding conflict. 

  • You ignore something that is bothering you.
  • You avoid bringing up something that is bothering you.
  • You bring up something, but couch it in such a nice way that the person can't even tell what you are upset about.
  • You frame it as your issue so as not to upset the person.

When someone brings up a conflict with you, how do you respond?

  • Do you change the subject, or leave the situation in order to avoid dealing with it?
  • Do you freeze up and find yourself unable to communicate clearly?
  • Do you give in and accept the blame even though you don't believe you’re at fault, just so the confrontation will end?

All of these are ways of avoiding conflict.

You can transform your Conflict-Avoiding Pattern
and get your concerns heard.

Self-Therapy Journey is an interactive online tool
for resolving psychological issues such as the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern.
With Self-Therapy Journey, you can transform your Conflict-Avoiding Pattern into the Challenge Capacity, which means you can...
  • Bring up your concerns in a constructive way.
  • Feel confident in saying what you think.
  • Ask for what you want.
  • Assert yourself even when someone disagrees.
  • Feel your personal power.
 Click here  for more information on the Challenge Capacity.

You can create a personalized practice
for activating the Challenge Capacity in your life.

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern

What People Are Saying

"Going through Self-Therapy Journey helped me to understand that I had a much stronger Conflict-Avoiding Pattern than I had thought. It helped me to clarify different circumstances that contributed to this pattern and how this was still very present in my life today. I realized the importance of addressing issues instead of withdrawing. I mistakenly thought that I was contributing to more harmony but forgot to take into account all the resentment that I was building up.

Having tools and ideas how to address this pattern has already proved very helpful. It was important for me was to see clearly that I have the right to express my personal needs, even if they differ from the needs of people around me. I do not need to put myself in "second position." My needs are as valid as anybody else's. I very much enjoyed the meditations that helped me to go deeper in my understanding of this pattern, and they also helped me in finding ways of changing my behavior."
-- Isabel d'Arenberg

Conflict-Avoiding Online Community Group

Click here to join a forum/listserv where you can share your insights and progress, ask questions, learn from other people, find a partner for IFS or STJ work, and develop community with people who are struggling with Conflict-Avoiding, People-Pleasing and similar issues. Jay Earley and other staff are available to answer your questions.

"Self-Therapy Journey was recommended to me by my counselor. I didn't really know what I was getting into but it turned out to be an eye-opening experience and very beneficial to me. I didn't realize I had the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern, or exactly what that meant even, until I went through the steps of the web application. Now that I better understand my behavior, I can use this self-guided therapy to help me work on improving myself."
-- Christine

Self-Therapy Journey is a powerful tool
for transforming your Conflict-Avoiding Pattern
and cultivating your Challenge Capacity.

But that's not all!
It works with many other psychological issues as well. It will help you work through a wide variety of patterns and develop many different capacities.

You Can...

  • Take command of your personal growth
  • Work at your own pace in your own time
  • Heal your emotional wounds
  • Gain self-confidence and courage
  • Open to intimacy and love
  • Feel hope and optimism about your life
    - each and every day
Discover how the powerful inner process of Self-Therapy Journey can change your life. It is an interactive web application that includes...

  • Check lists for understanding behavior, feelings, and motivations
  • Stories
  • Guided meditations for healing emotional wounds
  • Journaling
  • Customized reports
  • Personalized homework practices for behavior change
  • An online community for support
  • Systematic tracking of your progress
  • And much more

You can have the life you have always dreamed of,
at a tiny fraction of the cost of therapy.

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern

Self-Therapy Journey is brilliant. It's been an absolutely great experience to use it. Every time I had a thought like, "What about this?" there was something in the online system to handle it.

-- Athena Murphy

I think Self-Therapy Journey is immensely helpful. You can go as deep as you want.

-- Elizabeth Moulton,
Clinical Psychologist

It is impressive that this tool was so helpful to me considering that I have done ample self-work for over 25 years.

-- Faith Curtin, MA
Clinical Psychology

Working with Self-Therapy Journey will help you:

  • Dramatically increase your self-awareness
  • Understand your partner's behavior (and that of other people close to you)
  • Recognize when you are caught in self-defeating patterns - and change them to positive actions - right in the moment
  • Significantly lower your level of stress and reactivity
  • Be free of the constricting hold of old emotional wounds
  • Work through your fears so you can live authentically and courageously
  • Become emotionally stable and healthy, leading to peace and satisfaction
  • Enhance your ability for love, creativity, personal power, and living a life of purpose


I have been a psychotherapist for 40 years. I have helped hundreds of therapy clients to resolve troubling psychological issues and find love, success, and peace. And hundreds more people have used Self-Therapy Journey to make similar changes. My self-published book Self-Therapy has sold nearly 20,000 copies, and I constantly get emails from readers telling me how much the book has changed their lives.

I created Self-Therapy Journey as a place for you to do your own inner work. I want to make psychological healing available to a wide range of people. When you enroll, I will be personally available to support you in using it. I hold free teleseminars and webinars regularly on Self-Therapy Journey. Please join me.

Try Self-Therapy Journey so you can experience how powerful it is and how easy it is to use.

Jay Earley, PHD

Introductory Video with Jay Earley

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern

Self-Therapy Journey is based on
two comprehensive and powerful systems!

Click here to see a larger version of this chart.

1. The Pattern System®

The Pattern System is a breakthrough in understanding personality, a Periodic Table for psychology, created by Jay Earley, PhD.

It is a systematic approach to understanding your personality oriented toward psychological healing and personal growth, Self-Therapy Journey contains about 25 patterns, which are ways of behaving and feeling that you might want to change, such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-criticism, or avoiding intimacy.

Self-Therapy Journey helps you transform each pattern into a healthy capacity, such as assertiveness, ease, self-esteem, or cooperation. It also allows you to heal 14 different emotional wounds from childhood, such as being deprived or judged or feeling unlovable.

Everyone is unique! And the Pattern System recognizes this. You aren't put into a box. You get to understand the details of your particular personality.

The Pattern System provides the psychological content and IFS provides the therapy process.

Click here to learn more about the Pattern System.

2. Internal Family Systems Therapy

Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) is on the cutting edge of psychotherapy. It allows you to understand your psyche in a new way and create deep, powerful healing of old emotional wounds and trauma. IFS is a recognized, proven method for individual psychotherapy with a robust training program and thousands of certified therapists.

IFS enables you to understand each of the parts of your psyche, sometimes called sub-personalities. You can think of them as little people inside you. Each has its own perspective, feelings, memories, goals, and motivations. For example, one part of you might be trying to lose weight, and another part might want to eat whatever you want.

We all have many different parts, and we each have a spiritual center, the Self, which is compassionate, understanding, and grounded. Through IFS you can learn to stay in Self, develop a relationship with each of your parts, and heal them.

The key is that the your healing comes from you! This means that you can do IFS on your own, without a therapist, which is what makes Self-Therapy Journey possible.

Click here to watch an interview of Jay Earley on IFS by Tami Simon of Sounds True.

Support and Witnessing

You can work on Self-Therapy Journey completely on your own, or you can find a buddy or mentor from our online community to witness your work and support you in making changes in your life. You can also find a therapist guide from our list of professionals who will guide you in using Self-Therapy Journey and provide additional therapy if you want it.

In our online community, you can join a group of people who are dealing with the same issue. You can share with them your progress in your Self-Therapy Journey work and get answers to questions.

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern

I was amazed with the ease of use of STJ and how quickly it helped to identify areas in which I was having difficulty. The guided mediations helped me understand the underlying intention behind my pattern. The homework practice turned out beautifully, allowing me to be more cooperative with others. I learned to re-state confusing feelings in an accepting and loving way. I can now let go of those parts that are no longer serving me.

-- Colleen A.

The greatest benefit of Self-Therapy Journey is its ability to reveal the hidden motivations behind our limiting patterns. I recommend it highly.

-- Nick Lal,
Personal Development

The problems that I worked on using Self-Therapy Journey have been resolved. The Pattern System has jump-started a lot of my clients in understanding their issues at the beginning of their work.

-- Cathy Duke
Licensed Counselor

Have other issues you need help with?
Wondering if Self-Therapy Journey deals with them?
Click here to find out
Are you a therapist, coach, or other professional,
wondering about using Self-Therapy Journey with you clients?
Click here for all the information you need

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern

XThe Challenge Capacity involves the ability to bring up concerns even though this might lead to conflict. You can initiate a conversation with someone where you bring up an issue in the relationship that has been bothering you in order to get it resolved. You can also do the same thing in a group or organization, when necessary.

You don't act in ways to keep people from bringing up their concerns with you. You are open and receptive when someone needs to talk with you about something difficult between you.

If someone confronts you about an issue, you can stand up for yourself if you don't agree with them. You can also stay with a conflict in order to work through it, rather than giving in or giving up when things get tough.