The Dependent Pattern

  • Do you feel upset and lonely when your partner is away?
  • Do you need your partner’s love to feel OK about yourself?
  • Does it tear you up when you don’t get love from your partner?
  • Do you feel depressed when you’re not in a relationship?
  • Do you try to merge with your partner?
This is the Dependent Pattern. Click here for more information.

If you have the Dependent Pattern, you feel an intense need for love (or attention, sex, affection, validation, or caring) from your partner. This often comes from the childhood experience of "anxious attachment." If it feels like you aren't getting enough love (or one of those specific kinds of love), then consider if possibly this is because of your dependence.

When you don't get what you need from your partner, how do you react? If you get very upset, sad, or depressed, this may indicate that you have a Dependent Pattern. However, if you simply feel some disappointment, then you may not have it.

When your partner withdraws from you for a day or so because of a fight, how do you react? When your partner is away for the weekend, how does this affect you? How well do you handle situations like these where you are alone for a while? Does it tear you up? Is it hard for you to function? If so, you may have a Dependent Pattern.

Another question is: How good do you feel and how well do you function when you aren’t in a love relationship? Do you feel unbearably lonely? Do you have trouble taking care of yourself? Do you get depressed? Do you constantly fantasize about finding a relationship? These are indications of a Dependent Pattern.

You can transform your Dependent Pattern
and be able to support yourself.

Self-Therapy Journey is an interactive online tool
for resolving psychological issues such as the Dependent Pattern.
With Self-Therapy Journey, you can transform your Dependent Pattern into the Self-Support Capacity, which means you can...
  • Be solid and grounded even when you’re alone.
  • Care for yourself when your partner isn’t available.
  • Lead a satisfying life in your own right.
  • Soothe and nurture yourself.
  • Be happy even when you aren’t in a relationship.
 Click here  for more information on the Self-Support Capacity.

You can create a personalized practice
for activating the Self-Support Capacity in your life.

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Dependent Pattern

What People Are Saying

"Self-Therapy Journey is surprisingly powerful and easy to use. Even though I've done a lot of IFS therapy, the application helped me further relax dependent patterns I experience, and made a difference in my daily relationship with my significant other: I've noticed less "clingy" energy in myself when she wants distance, for example, without a lot of effort in the moment to achieve that. The application also surfaced other bookmarks I could return to and continue to work on, should that be useful.

I also like the practice plan it helped me create, so I know I have a resource I can use if it's hard to change some of my ingrained habits and a few of the patterns return. I'm really excited about referring my coaching clients to this resource as well, so they can deepen and extend the work they start with me."
-- Mark Hurwich, exercutive coach

Self-Therapy Journey is a powerful tool
for transforming your Dependent Pattern
and cultivating your Self-Support Capacity.

But that's not all!
It works with many other psychological issues as well. It will help you work through a wide variety of patterns and develop many different capacities.

You Can...

  • Take command of your personal growth
  • Work at your own pace in your own time
  • Heal your emotional wounds
  • Gain self-confidence and courage
  • Open to intimacy and love
  • Feel hope and optimism about your life
    - each and every day
Discover how the powerful inner process of Self-Therapy Journey can change your life. It is an interactive web application that includes...

  • Check lists for understanding behavior, feelings, and motivations
  • Stories
  • Guided meditations for healing emotional wounds
  • Journaling
  • Customized reports
  • Personalized homework practices for behavior change
  • An online community for support
  • Systematic tracking of your progress
  • And much more

You can have the life you have always dreamed of,
at a tiny fraction of the cost of therapy.

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Dependent Pattern

Self-Therapy Journey is brilliant. It's been an absolutely great experience to use it. Every time I had a thought like, "What about this?" there was something in the online system to handle it.

-- Athena Murphy

I think Self-Therapy Journey is immensely helpful. You can go as deep as you want.

-- Elizabeth Moulton,
Clinical Psychologist

It is impressive that this tool was so helpful to me considering that I have done ample self-work for over 25 years.

-- Faith Curtin, MA
Clinical Psychology

Working with Self-Therapy Journey will help you:

  • Dramatically increase your self-awareness
  • Understand your partner's behavior (and that of other people close to you)
  • Recognize when you are caught in self-defeating patterns - and change them to positive actions - right in the moment
  • Significantly lower your level of stress and reactivity
  • Be free of the constricting hold of old emotional wounds
  • Work through your fears so you can live authentically and courageously
  • Become emotionally stable and healthy, leading to peace and satisfaction
  • Enhance your ability for love, creativity, personal power, and living a life of purpose


I have been a psychotherapist for 40 years. I have helped hundreds of therapy clients to resolve troubling psychological issues and find love, success, and peace. And hundreds more people have used Self-Therapy Journey to make similar changes. My self-published book Self-Therapy has sold nearly 20,000 copies, and I constantly get emails from readers telling me how much the book has changed their lives.

I created Self-Therapy Journey as a place for you to do your own inner work. I want to make psychological healing available to a wide range of people. When you enroll, I will be personally available to support you in using it. I hold free teleseminars and webinars regularly on Self-Therapy Journey. Please join me.

Try Self-Therapy Journey so you can experience how powerful it is and how easy it is to use.

Jay Earley, PHD

Introductory Video with Jay Earley

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Dependent Pattern

Self-Therapy Journey is based on
two comprehensive and powerful systems!

Click here to see a larger version of this chart.

1. The Pattern System®

The Pattern System is a breakthrough in understanding personality, a Periodic Table for psychology, created by Jay Earley, PhD.

It is a systematic approach to understanding your personality oriented toward psychological healing and personal growth, Self-Therapy Journey contains about 25 patterns, which are ways of behaving and feeling that you might want to change, such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-criticism, or avoiding intimacy.

Self-Therapy Journey helps you transform each pattern into a healthy capacity, such as assertiveness, ease, self-esteem, or cooperation. It also allows you to heal 14 different emotional wounds from childhood, such as being deprived or judged or feeling unlovable.

Everyone is unique! And the Pattern System recognizes this. You aren't put into a box. You get to understand the details of your particular personality.

The Pattern System provides the psychological content and IFS provides the therapy process.

Click here to learn more about the Pattern System.

2. Internal Family Systems Therapy

Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) is on the cutting edge of psychotherapy. It allows you to understand your psyche in a new way and create deep, powerful healing of old emotional wounds and trauma. IFS is a recognized, proven method for individual psychotherapy with a robust training program and thousands of certified therapists.

IFS enables you to understand each of the parts of your psyche, sometimes called sub-personalities. You can think of them as little people inside you. Each has its own perspective, feelings, memories, goals, and motivations. For example, one part of you might be trying to lose weight, and another part might want to eat whatever you want.

We all have many different parts, and we each have a spiritual center, the Self, which is compassionate, understanding, and grounded. Through IFS you can learn to stay in Self, develop a relationship with each of your parts, and heal them.

The key is that the your healing comes from you! This means that you can do IFS on your own, without a therapist, which is what makes Self-Therapy Journey possible.

Click here to watch an interview of Jay Earley on IFS by Tami Simon of Sounds True.

Support and Witnessing

You can work on Self-Therapy Journey completely on your own, or you can find a buddy or mentor from our online community to witness your work and support you in making changes in your life. You can also find a therapist guide from our list of professionals who will guide you in using Self-Therapy Journey and provide additional therapy if you want it.

In our online community, you can join a group of people who are dealing with the same issue. You can share with them your progress in your Self-Therapy Journey work and get answers to questions.

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Dependent Pattern

I was amazed with the ease of use of STJ and how quickly it helped to identify areas in which I was having difficulty. The guided mediations helped me understand the underlying intention behind my pattern. The homework practice turned out beautifully, allowing me to be more cooperative with others. I learned to re-state confusing feelings in an accepting and loving way. I can now let go of those parts that are no longer serving me.

-- Colleen A.

The greatest benefit of Self-Therapy Journey is its ability to reveal the hidden motivations behind our limiting patterns. I recommend it highly.

-- Nick Lal,
Personal Development

The problems that I worked on using Self-Therapy Journey have been resolved. The Pattern System has jump-started a lot of my clients in understanding their issues at the beginning of their work.

-- Cathy Duke
Licensed Counselor

Have other issues you need help with?
Wondering if Self-Therapy Journey deals with them?
Click here to find out
Are you a therapist, coach, or other professional,
wondering about using Self-Therapy Journey with you clients?
Click here for all the information you need

Learn How Self-Therapy Journey Works with the Dependent Pattern

XSelf-Support means that you can take care of yourself and feel secure and good about yourself. It includes the ability to take care of yourself emotionally, whether you are in a love relationship or on your own. It means you are grounded and centered. You feel whole in and of yourself, without having to rely on another person to make you feel good about yourself. You can also feel self-supporting while being open, vulnerable, and intimate with your partner.