Description of the Passive-Aggressive Pattern

If you have the Passive-Aggressive Pattern, you tend to act in a way that looks as though you are agreeable and pleasing on the surface while acting out your resentment or aggression in indirect ways, which either hurts people or frustrates them. You may only be aware of your surface desire to please people or your fear of not pleasing them, especially your partner. If people you are close to regularly get frustrated with you or feel hurt by you, this may indicate a Passive-Aggressive Pattern.

If you have a Passive-Aggressive Pattern, there is an unconscious part of you that is resentful and perhaps defiant. This part is irritated at how much you kowtow to what your partner wants. Or the part may be angry at her for things she said that resulted in your feeling undervalued or unappreciated. However, since you don't have permission to be angry or defiant, it all goes underground in your consciousness. You act in seemingly agreeable ways, but you add a little mean twist to your behavior that frustrates your partner. 


The Passive-Aggressive Pattern is transformed by the Assertiveness Capacity.

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X Assertiveness involves having a firm knowledge of what you feel, think, and desire, as opposed to being overly influenced by other people's opinions, feelings, and needs. It is part of being an autonomous adult.

Assertiveness involves exerting power to ask what you want, explain why something is important to you, and follow through even if others don’t go along right away. You can bring up difficult issues with people in order to try to improve your relationship with them. You can stand up for yourself and set limits on people when they are harming you in some way. You can say No when someone asks you for something you don’t want to give.

Assertiveness involves being able to initiate action, take risks, accomplish goals, and move forward in your life. Sometimes it involves reaching out for connection with someone. Sometimes it means saying clearly what your opinion is or what you believe is right.

Assertiveness can also involve exerting power to take care of others or to achieve what you think is right or best in a given situation. It can involve assuming a powerful or responsible role in a group or organization.

But keep in mind: Assertiveness involves doing these things without needing to be aggressive, controlling, rigid, judgmental, or otherwise extreme. Assertiveness naturally integrates with cooperation, so you are open to other people's needs and opinions without giving up your own.